Tell your sister I'm no fool. Or at least romanticize the notion of the fool.
How was Slumdog? Did it pull your heartstrings?
It was entertaining. Better than most other Mexican films.
I feel miserable, can't drink that much when I go out
We've been saying that since '98
One of the cleaning ladies on my floor just screamed from the bathroom
Thanks for holding onto me so I didn't fall in my pee in that parking lot. You're the best boyfriend ever.
then she said "on the count of three I think we should apologize to eachother"
I cleared a drunken path to my bed for you. If you hit clothes you've gone too far.
I think I threw my underwear away at What-A-Burger last night.
On the 3rd day, she mixed sangria and orange juice and saw that it was good.
I made everything so magnificently awkward in under 15 seconds. I am magic.
Can cross "get fingered at a state park" off my bucket list
"Only you can prevent yeast infections."
How do I put this... You're dating Ricky from Trailer Park Boys. Stop eye-fucking him and actually listen to what he says for once. He actually said "I self-learned that myself, basically" while rolling a joint. He's worse than your unskilled magician ex that accidentally cut off three of his own fingers
You gotta do what you gotta do. Like how I gotta drive in the rain to go get chicken nuggets. I just gotta.
If he doesn’t slap your ass with his drumsticks, then I don’t wanna hear about it.
So drinking that old rum that I found in the ceiling of my dorm was prob not my best idea. But good news: my puke was so colorful b/c of all the skittles i ate
Randomize
