This pizza tastes like mashed potatoes. HOW HIGH DO YOU THINK I AM?
there is a school bus full of santas parked in front of the liquor store
Sober January is a disaster.
She got mad when I told her I'd bone her mom. She got MORE mad when her mom heard, and was flattered by it. Proud to say I attract MILFS.
I'm at the bass pro shop. They have a river full of trout and turtles, a shooting range, a full bar, and the patriots cheerleaders are here. I now understand why people are rednecks. I may never leave
there's just a random girl here singing about how much she loves fiber
Apparently she was filling Miller Lite bottles with water because I refused to be seen drinking water in a bar
When you get up and look at yourself in the mirror, don't be alarmed. The doctor assured us last night that it looked way worse than it actually was and there won't be a scar when the stitches come out
we were at work and Infront of the whole bar you yelled. "JAKE I WANNA GET FUCKED TONIGHT!" Us day drinking > everyone else
We have started to decorate penises.
In other news my cocaine dealer got arrested for heaving some kid out of a fourth story window.
Moral of the story: always keep condoms in your bra
I just ate cottage cheese and went to the gym at 6 this morning...the things i'll do because I might get naked in front of a new boy
We're meant to be. Apparently God wants me to get dicked down pretty good too so I'm not complaining about destiny
Santi's no longer allowed to buy booze in my lane. Last thing I need is a midlife crisis looking at his Id again.
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