somebody snuck up and got me drunk
ya know if you hadnt broke up with me, that porno we made wouldnt have a 3.3 rating on youporn right now...
I am midnight drunk by noon
just woke up to overhearing her on the phone saying "yeah we fucked last night, that makes 42." should i get tested?
well i fucked her too, so yes.
I know everyone screamed lady cop instead of cops. I wanted to apologize to her for our chauvinism
You screamed at all of us and then showed us your sack. You're like the boyfriend of my dreams.
You need an intervention. You fell into traffic walking home.
Not really. Birthday weekend. Totally jusifiable. Besides I didn't get hit. No harm no foul.
She was throwing my stuff away and then before I knew it she was sucking my dick. It was like some fucked up sour patch kids commercial
We split an eighth of shrooms and went ice fishing. It didn't get weird until I caught one and we both started crying.
When i like your selfie it means one of two things. 1. thats a nice photo, friend. OR 2. I wanna bend you over a table. But youll never know.
I believe the question is can one ever have too many vibrators?
I am stoned, not wearing a bra, and a woman. There is no way in fuck I am getting on a fucking bus.
I did something very bad. More specifically, my boss.
When I get off work and you're not around to hang out with all I do is lay around in my underwear and eat potatoes.
I'm not having sex with him if he doesn't believe in gay marriage and abortions.
Randomize
