His texts read Like a 15 year olds diary.
ironically, his detergent was also "small and mighty"
For future reference, when you see people who look like Rosie O'donell, do not tell them they look like Rosie O'donell.
Just asked the bartender if I could use the register to see my grades.
I don't know what you told him but please make him stop telling me about his new video camera and winking
It's annoying. I only date people who are 6 foot 3, drug dealers, or 2 years older than me.
Im pretty sure by the fifth subway ride after going in circles the four times prior, we all just accepted that we werent making the concert and should instead enjoy our magical weed and tequila laced journey.
I been sleeping but occasionally wake up feeling like tiny elves are in my throat ripping my esophagus to shreds with their bare hands.
Somehow, you made that sound extremely magical and not at all painful.
I just want to have sex and eat oreos. and then take body shots. like everyday.
He passed out again after sex. I've hidden all his clothes. There's no way he is sneaking out in the morning this time!
Can you please help mom and dad? Theyre trying to figure out Skype, and its like 2 cavemen finding fire.
Drunk wound on my leg hast healed and neither has my dignity
We watched playoff games and fucked so we could both see the TV. I've now found true love.
She just started crying. With my dick still inside her. Something about her grandpa.
Nothing ruins your day more than waking up to you dogs crotch in your face
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