I just busted my ass on the ice in front of my entire AA meeting. As if being there wasn't embarrassing enough.
I'm babysitting and we're watching Barney and I don't understand why Barney can magically make band hats appear but he makes them make shitty ass instruments.
Barney's a jerk
I still have your handprint on my ass. You're not allowed to ignore me yet.
well as my mentor always said, "Don't antagonize the man whose penis gives you multiple orgasms."
just realized we made a drinking game to how many times they say "hakuna matata" in the lion king last night... hello sophomore year.
Just saw your girl from last night... Be embarrassed
Did he make you just lay your head next to his cock and talk to it again?
He fell off the roof... he clearly has not been preparing for summer.
It involved anal and pop rocks. Tell me how that could have ended well.
You can't just call animal control when you're drunk because there is a bug in the shower.
Welcome to a new world. May the gods of weed smile upon you as you embark on exploring this new dimension.
You need to stop telling people you gained weight over the holidays. You've been fat since July.
Last night I had a dream that I changed my last name to Vodka. what does that say about my life?
Today I made my parents proud-spent the afternoon floating around in their pool drinking beer-which I would ask my nephews to get for me out of the fridge
i'm growling thTa how much i wNn slwwwp.
save me some of whatever you're doing i'll be there in five.
Randomize
