I just told this girl who bought a pregnancy test "good luck"
I don't know where I am, but its a Goosebumps novel waiting to happen.
is the fantasy fufillment of sex in a hot tub worth the possible infection?
I swear that when I have my own bathroom, I'm gonna lock myself in there and masterbate for at least 3 days in sheer appreciation of it.
mom just found 19 empty wine bottles in my closet. i hate spring cleaning
Dude, the chicks a procotolgy intern. Don't cheat on her. She knows where it hurts the most.
I'm pretty sure this city writes new vice laws specifically because of us.
Def just hooked up with my brother's senior prom date in his bed. Does that make me the worst brother ever?
The only thing keeping me calm right now is pretending to chop off everyone's heads when using the paper cutter
You're wonderful. How are you always such a good friend?
50% genetics, 50% driven by a desire for people to drunkenly eat donuts at my funeral and then have fantastic cry-sex afterward.
I took out the emergency phone in the elevator and replaced it with a bottle of vodka. The game is simple, do a shot for the number of the floor you're going to. Best suggestion box tip ever.
Just give me 5 advils and some sunglasses and I'll knock out on this couch no problem.
pretty sure I blew his mind with the sex last night. He repaid me with a five minute conversation about power rangers.
i woke up to a text from someone I put in my phone last night as "Giant Penis"
what did G.P. say?
oddly enough it was a dick pic
You just kept mumbling about the carpet being covered in stains that looked like the face of God. Until you decided that they were closer in relation to Dumbledore.
Randomize
