i just caught my roommate coming out of the bathroom half naked with a surge protector. he told me he didn't wanna talk about it.
Feel like bed is flying. Not sure where we're going. Hope there is candy.
I just Organized my jello shots by their colors in my mini fridge for the rest of the week. I'm going places in life.
i should start naming my morning wood
great idea but wrong number
Well, if your day started with strippers, then we're tied. Otheriwse, I'm winning.
dude there's automatic no homos on brad Pitt and Leonardo dicaprio. Everyone knows that
She used the word "fragged" in proper context. tell me that's not bust-nut hot.
Trying to figure out if I'm the second dude she hooked up with yesterday. I feel like a consolation prize
I'm going to see if it catches on fire again, then I'll make the decision.
For future reference, the blowjob coupons I gave you for your birthday are NOT transferable to pay your friends for tacos.
But seriously he was like a god with his hands. My vagina feels annointed.
My life has become one weird ass game. No one wins. No one loses. We all just kind of hang in limbo and hope we don't die. Eskimo sisters for life. Please have sex with one of them.
I baked a frozen pizza completely, put it back in the plastic and box, and put it back in the freezer. THAT drunk.
One of the Mormon boys that comes to the door is really sexy and I always think 'I would absolutely destroy your faith'
Can you leave her a note saying "did you enjoy watching me fuck your roommate?"
I will.
Randomize
