cannot fit in my clothes. too depressed to drink.
if you drink enough to puke, it's like a weight loss plan.
There's some strange man with hair that keeps talking to us. I'm scared.
This is how horror movies start. Going to bar with strange hair guy. He's paying. Bad idea?
Ditched hair man. Got free cab ride to market. Want food. I win.
After watching Cinemax for a few months, real porn just grosses me out.
just saw a former disney star do a keg stand. her life choices have improved.
Just found a note from Saturday that says "rainy soft hair".... Any ideas?
I whipped my shit out and she just stared at it with a mean face. It was like a face off in a heavyweight boxing fight.
It's hard to judge what a reasonable amount of cereal looks like in the spaghetti pot. We're out of cap'n crunch and milk.
Fell twice in five points. on my face. literally during a cross walk. The cars just went around me. 21st birthday memories right there
Do u like your dick pics shot in hotdog or hamburger orientation?
it is basically gonna be an ugly Christmas sweater rave
His baby mama found the pictures of us, she couldn't see my face but she could see my asshole. So I'm safe.
I'm shopping for Mother's Day cards while waiting for my herpes medication. What is life.
She told me the next morning I stared at her tits for like 15 minutes with binoculars from only a few seats away.
It was only a blow job in his car. It's the same as giving a friend a back rub.
I bet he’d be surprised by the epic blow job he’d get if he stopped talking about his wife long enough for me to get in the mood
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