and everytime i fart i feel like in your heart, you can hear it
turns out I still hate jay leno...even at 10pm.
Immaculate conception is definitely the most boring way to conceive a child.
Forever 21 now has a maternity line. Even more of an incentive for me to get pregnant at a young age.
you made sure to tell everyone that the amount of people you had slept with was actually quite low, especially when the size of your breasts was taken into account
just woke up in my car, in front of the bar. Took me 10 minutes to find my keys which were about 10 yards away in a bush. According to my phone records, I called my ex 14 times last night. Breakfast?
I can't relate, I like my boobs roaming free like a wild animal, and I occasionally let them devour small children
How can other people our age be acting like adults when I'm still taking my birth control pill with left over gin and tonic from the night before?
I'm two shots in and wandering around Barnes and Noble with $58 in singles.
I lost my bra at his grandma's house so there's that.
I'm hoping the sedatives kick in before I drunkenly decide to eat this whole cheesecake.
I'm so upset I left my sombrero at the expo center
Ugh. I just found a cum stain on my mermaid pants. Now I can't return them.
I'll give you a blowjob in a Santa hat if it will put you in the Christmas spirit
My uncle showed up to pick us up at the bar just as I bought a drink so I put it in my pocket #drunksmart
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