he rolled over and started playing skeeball on his iphone after we had the best sex yet considering he only lasted 10 seconds last time.. im getting standards.. tomorrow. for now im just going to enjoy the fact i counted over 20 this time.
Funniest shit happened at the grocery store. This kid kept asking his mom for candy over and over and she told him 'daddy said no' and he screamed 'he isn't my dad' so loud everyone in the store was silent it was awesome.
yeh she's definitely getting a ham and plan b omelette in the morning
Yes, I fucked her, no she wasn't that loose, yes she caused more drama than a 14 year old girl
Planned Parenthood should have gift certificates.
Haha I wonder if my burp offended him. So I gave him a fist pump to signify how friendly I am
Hashbrowns don't come out your nose as easily as you would think
I found them in the kitchen microwaving bottle rockets chanting U.S.A U.S.A U.S.A
i was staring at it trying to desperately see a vagina
Also, I've sobered up around 5am, in Delaware. I remember making this decision, and highly regret it now.
He doesn't care. He wouldn't care if my vag grew arms and smacked him in the face.
I picked up a guy that night wearing a onesie. I kicked Xmas' ass
Why am I not blowing coke off your ass at my apartment?
Definitely just poured my beer into a McDonald's cup so I could walk through Walmart without judgment. 'Murica.
Life update: This fucking MacBook repair guy called me over last night for a booty call and he didn’t have a condom OR a bed
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