for on dont try to tell me you love me after three weeks of talking, for two if you are going to do that stay away from the song lyrics to a very good country song that you happened to ruin by using it, and for three erase my number im fuckin your sister now
if i get the "i'm engaged" text one more time, i'm going to shoot myself in the face so my cats won't eat it when i die alone.
I have a new fascination with cutting really small segments of hair off peoples heads when they're not looking.
I just got sparklers from my secret santa. Drunken sledding just got to a whole new level of dangerous
this one can actually spell my name, that's a shoe-in
Ya I got a cut on my head from the toilet seat last time I drank there.
Then he showed me his sketchbook. Every drawing was a hand in different 'fingering positions'. Dear JESUS.
I think their strategy was based on people bein at a beach, seein a rainbow, and havin an orgasm at the same time.
Bro I can't jerk it to my phone anymore. I feel Siri staring back, and she's real disappointed.
She looked up at the menu and yelled this is my absolute favorite literacy
Don't use or open the microwave. It's full of smoke. Buying a new one tomorrow, will explain.
They sleep with other people as long as there is no oral. Logic and reason were thrown out the window a long time ago with them.
He brought me hungover chipotle knowing full well he wasn't getting a blow job. I think he may be too in love with me.
It must have been good head...he put down the Xbox controller
I looked into her soul, didn't I?
You eye-fucked her soul.
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