My liver just broke up with me...
Dual, econ, hell, shiv, aunt, puppy. 1 out of 6. T9 word needs to learn how to cuss like me.
she offered me iced tea and went to go change.then her dad came in the door.i thought i was on how to catch a predator.
I just peed in the Schreyer honors college shrubbery. Thanks honors students, you're finally good for something
fyi, she knows we call her the sperm bank. watch your back.
Apparently she buried shit in the snow back in January and now that it's melted I found a flip flop, 4 spoons, a bottle of smirnoff, and 14 different candy bars
Ladies, we have an appointment at David's Bridal aurora this coming Sunday at 3pm. And an appointment at where ever tequila is served at noon.
I say we go and bring jello shots with laxatives. 57% sure one of his toilets is broken
Drunk. But sober enough to know I hate gymnastics.
Hey remember that time you called a woman a "man in a dress" and then threw up in a drinking fountain?
like i literally can feel my uterus getting frustrated at me for not being pregnant.
I AM VODKA MAN
What if there is no right person? Maybe it's just the right cat. Or the right 12 cats.
I did something very bad. More specifically, my boss.
I just found two ugly toothless rednecks fucking in the woods in my backyard. The man shouted at me close the door your letting the stank out which made no sense to me cuz we where outside. Whatever. just another Monday in the Northwoods.
Randomize
