Im wearin a dollar bill hat and tgkin a big girl home. Lifi is gmwnd
after drinking 6 jumbo margaritas he then proceeded to tell the entire restaurant that he was going to "bust a load in me" when we got home....how do you think the rest of my night went?
I am too drunk to make real decisions. I had pop rocks all over my ass earlier. This is not a joke.
I feel like I shouldn't be doing my banking stoned. But I bought a new bowl. Her name is Sharpe. Pronounced Shar-Pay.
My suggestion that we all just smoke some weed was greeted with a uncomfrotable silence and a 'maybe later'. These are not our people
Honestly... isn't she a psych major? how does she go through life NOT realizing that everything she does is a cry for help?
You won’t make it to November. A 21st bday and Halloween in the same night has shitshow/ jail written all over it. So I call dibs on that tall guy
You know how there are wrinkles in your brain? What if they were filled with potato chips? That's kind of how my head feels now.
There is someone hissing in the hallway. Not even a typo. Not pissing. Hissing. Like a large cat. Or a komodo dragon.
I told my mom I'm great in bed. That is quality mother daughter bonding.
The only word that describes how much hair I shaved off of my ass is "considerable".
THE COP WHO TOOK MY MUGSHOT LAST NIGHT JUST ADDED ME ON FACEBOOK
And then you screamed, "I JUST WANNA POUR MAPLE SYRUP ALL OVER HIM AND RAVISH HIS BODY!!"
You ran full speed into the glass door with your Patron and yelled "FEEL THE RHYTHM, FEEL THE RHYME"
And then he tried to convince me that he could wear a condom instead of pants to go out.
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