New rule: no balls on the kitchen counter.
How was I supposed to know she would get offended when I asked her how long it took to draw on her eyebrows.
I will never underestimate my ability to drunken ramble. At one point last night i think i was talking about hieroglyphics
My cab driver just texted me 'goodnight beautiful'. I think my 'desperate for a guy phase' has just moved into a fuck my life phase.
Ok if you are accepting my apology, please continue to ignore me. If you are not, please fill out the brief survey that follows, to help me improve my people relations: a) your a bitch please leave me alone b)your crazy pls leave me alone c) I never cared ab u please leave me alone. D) all of the above e) all of the above but I wouldn't mind still fucking u. F) who are you again? Your answer will not b shared and will b used in accord. With the law. TY
I really want to shower but i'm afraid i'll sober up. My mouth feels like a stripper pole too...
he told me he could still feel the blowjob i gave him last year
wow. THAT good huh
You know you need to take better care of yourself when shaving reminds you of sheep shearing...
if Anne Taylor knew what she did in her clothes, she'd be banned from the store.
oh come on, it's the perfect length summer dress to blow a stranger in the bathroom in
There's a baby duck in my toilet. Fuck you.
He should just accept that I want his dick and his friendship. Can't he understand that I don't do emotions?
Me: 10% human, 90% poor drunken life choices.
Also, I wish we had magnetic nipple rings and our boobs stuck together.
Really need a jack off emoji
Who do we write to about that?
Why did I wake up next to the fire pit? And who wrapped me up like a burrito?
Jägerbombs. Thank Sara.
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