I Once took so much Ecstacy that I tried to hug a fire.
i found a roscoes card in my pocket that says 'fuck me bare fo $15.20'. Wow
The irony of calling it Pride is that you do things that no one should be proud of.
In a tragic sexting typo, I typed the word "blobjob". Now she's coming over and I have no idea what I'm in for...
I swear every time I make the effort to make my hair look nice, someone jizzes in it.
Already at the river; already getting fucked up. And yes that semicolon is legit because those are congruent statemests
In between rounds of sex, you stopped and did drunken handstand push-ups.
I'm 25 and I shit my bed last night. And I'm telling you about it. Not sure which is worse
He drops f bombs like every other word and he just gave me 127 shares of tmobile stock for free. I feel like I should pay him back in blow jobs or something.
well that's what you get for sleeping with a guy called 'the defiler'
Last time I checked he was house sitting for his ex while she was out of town with some new dude. He was crying about how the guy told him to stay out of his whiskey while he was gone. That's whipped
I think I'm so comfortable in my sexual relationship because he mostly wants to see me naked with large plates of bacon tastefully placed upon my body
At one point she put on my dads pants and yelled after him EMILIOOOO! Dude, my dads name is Mark.
Just got back from a Walmart run. The music went straight from Kid Rock to John Phillip Souza. If that doesn't scream 'MURICA I don't know what will. Happy 4th!
He couldn’t find my clit with a map. Literally. I drew him a map.
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