do you have any idea why i woke up naked spooning my toaster?
u think ur still drunk from last night? i just put the eggs in the freezer and the remote in the sink. I don't wanna fucking hear it.
I was more traumatized by the table collapsing while i was going down on you.
You hit on my mom and then passed out in the kiddie pool.
I an in a belgian bar and i cant understand shit. Trying to talk to strangers. Getting drunk until we all speak the same language. Brace for updates.
I don't want to be with anyone who doesn't accept me for who I am. eating cheeseburgers in bed is my favorite activity.
Okay hun. Well my neighbors haven't called the cops yet so I think we're good. No more burning in the yard.
Remember when you fed me goldfish while I was -inside- of someone?
I have this terrible fear I might accidentally text a pic of my dick to my grandma
Not gonna make it. My ovaries are playing laser tag
I have to remind myself to breathe. That hungover.
The ecstacy made me so dehydrated I started licking condensation off car windows
I think the hamburger goblin stole my cigarettes. I left my purse behind her table and they're not in it now.
Love it. I wish you see me right now. I'm counting cash on my bed with no shirt on, beauty and the beast sound track on blast. Fucking creepin it up.
when ur drunk laser tag is all fun n games. try it high and all of the aliens in the galaxy want you dead.
Randomize
