The walls in my apartment are so thin that sometimes when I fart, I stop to listen if people are laughing next door.
TLC. RIGHT NOW. PRIMORDIAL TODDLERS.
I think it was the chocolate body paint and awesome blowjob that finally made us official.
I've gotten 23 condolence texts about Germany's defeat. I got 3 for our break-up. That's how much my friends don't like you.
But when he came on my stomach I noticed how tan I was!
He's warming up to shark week, by only eating fish and drinking vodka, and all the time he keeps yelling "death to the seals!"
Her husband keeps getting drunk and making out with me. Good news is I found the strep carrier. Bad news is have strep again.
I bought a police grade breathalyzer on ebay at 4:37 am. At least I'm a responsible drunk.
Porch rule of tonight: when you sing, you must use "something" as a microphone. The person to use the most "creative" object gets the door prize...so far Stephie is winning with Jennifer's dog.
We found you facedown on his couch in a pile of cheerios, with only one shoe on. Dude you said you were staying in last night.
you were bawling because you felt bad for being so drunk and then you asked for a beer
After getting rejected by him, I got a strangely pleasant dick pic from an unknown number with the caption: "I hope this gets you through the night ;)" It's like the Cock-Gods were shining down upon me.
Accidentally donated half a joint to Kiwanis with the spare change from my car's ashtray. I hope those kids appreciate it.
"Nobody needs to know that I have a vibrating butt plug and nobody needs to know that I'm probably gonna start wearing it at work"
I may just have to resign myself to life in flats. He's a sexy little chipmunk that worships me.
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