i just want to meat her and do terribly wonderful things to her vagina...
what kind of vibe do I give off that a guy i've never hung out with thinks its okay to send me a picture of his ball cleavage?
Tried to buy Xanax from my boss last night. Wrong Mike.
just came on the shower curtain. sorry housekeeping.
You handed some guy a spoon you found, he yelled SPOON GAME, and then the two of you spent the next 20 minutes throwing spoons all over the kitchen.
She told me she eats fruit when she's hungover because it has more water than water.
Also I think he would slowly, painfully, die. You really can't live without a penis. You'd explode.
No, she isn't nearly as crazy as the girl who wanted to wear a vial of my semen as a necklace.
I know you're on vacation but you should know I just walk of shamed through a hotel lobby while leaving a threesome on Friday the 13th. Fuck superstition, I win.
So to add to headbutting the microwave while waiting for my hot pockets to cook. I apparently told both bartenders earlier in the night I was going to fuck them both. I hate black out drunk me..
don't bring your nerd jargon into this conversation about my naked body
Is it bad when I wake up sore & don't know if my injuries are from sex or the mechanical bull at the bar?
Bear grylls would be proud of my improvisation. Just used her vibrator to massage my back after hurting it at work.
I called him Oliver all night
His name is Brandon
Dude... Those don't even start with the same letter...
Getting knocked up by someone with a good job and a big dick, okay. I can handle that. Getting knocked up by someone who sells dildos for a living and has a tiny dick, SOMEBODY is losing a pair of balls.
Randomize
