I'm giving you permission to use the abortion money to pay for your DUI.
why do my parents always seem to be having way more sex than i do?
I think you came in my ear last night and I had to pick it out infront of my kids in class today
There is nothing like getting stoned and spying on people with binoculars
Oh yeah forgot to mention that I referred to myself as the oral sex heavyweight champion last night
my parents decided to start a new christmas tradition. we will now be drinking champagne while opening presents, and we each get our own bottle
He's passed out. He nodded his head when I asked if he's alive though...so there's that
We can stop fighting if you send me a picture of your dick standing at full attention wearing a sock.
I'll wait.
It can also be a hat.
I like that our conversation ended with "im gonna go get pregnant goodnight"
There's times when I need to be plowed... and I'm ashamed to admit auto correct was able to predict that entire sentence.
He dislocated his shoulder trying to finger me last night if that tells you anything
It was the cape. I can't control myself when I wear a cape.
Woke up this morning to a bunch of snapchats of you drunkenly yelling at grasshoppers. Good night?
I told the border patrol officer she was smuggling drugs in her ass. I doubt she cheats on me again.
If I ever say "I'm never drinking again" just hand me a bottle of jack. I'll snap out of it.
Randomize
