We are probably going to have to use your boobs as currency to get this done
For her birthday she wants to, " try something different with our butts a funnel and a bottle of whiskey"
I gave his parents a candle as a thanks for letting me hang out there all the time. Which i guess is more accurately a thanks-for-letting-me-fuck-your-son candle
I told him that he was essentially a very life-like dildo with a person attached so he needed to stop having feelings because it was getting annoying. He agreed.
Your mom won me $100 and you showed me your tits. Solid evening.
Would you like to get an apartment bong? It can be like our pet and we can give it a name.
I think everyone, including the amish, know who you are after this weekend.
You know you went through something intense when you actuallu applaud yourself for not shitting your pants
The exact people you expect to find at a bar at 2pm are here. Come visit. We'd really like the company.
Don't be the guy that has his dick out at work.
Btw I'm playing passed out so you can get laid but obviously you need to take the offense just ask him if he wants to go to bed and leave a cigg on the counter
I got married tonight..
I'd like to first of all congratulate you on your marriage. Secondly, probably one of the best drunk texts I've ever received. Unless you were sober, then that text was awkward.
There's a Russian superstition that you'll spend your year the way you celebrate New Year's, so I'm honestly not that surprised you're drunk.
I need a rain check on breakfast. A frat boy said it was his dream to sleep with a MILF, I made his dream come true and he made me cum
There is no way I’m wasting 21 year old morning wood
Well, fuck this election. I'm getting drunk, regardless of who wins.
Randomize