Bagel with cream cheese. It's blowing my fucking mind.
How high are you right now..
I MICROWAVED IT. SIGNIFICANT IMPROVEMENT.
he knocked over the vodka and juice...picks up the cup and says "yes", takes the last sip...doesnt even worry about the mess all over the floor and we continue having sex.
She's hidden vodka up her skirt and is riding a parking meter. Things can only get better
Why did I just get a ziplock baggie labeled "2010" on it from you in the mail?
There's puke on my pillow. I'm still wearing my wedges. And I have a cab drivers number clutched in my fist.
Which one of you fuckers thought itd be funny to see if the kitchen table can float.
She said she'll drive over, bang, and then head home. It's like ordering a pizza.
The worst that could happen is you end up with a black eye and I get laid.. I'm okay with my end of that bargain.
You motherfucker. I just had an MRI with a penny under my boob.
Dont judge the spank bank, just be happy that you were deposited there.
I feel like an involuntary Mother Theresa. I DON'T WANT TO BE ABSTINENT!
Well if YOU HAVE TO KNOW, we're laying across the street from the bar on that grassy hill trying to see who's she's with at the bar.
sweet Jesus, who thought 13 martinis was a good idea? 11 was probably sufficient.
High me is so sweet. She left not-high me a fortune from a fortune cookie and 6 packets of soy sauce in my tampon drawer.
I just made myself 3 peanut butter sammies because I was too hungry to watch porn
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