im on my way to getting "i just graduated college with no money, no job, and no plan" drunk
"Morning after" poops are always like, interesting.
WORST DINGLEBERRY EVER
he told me my vagina needed a tic tac
I mean we're not committed. He's my first choice, sort of like miller lite. When I'm at the bar I'm going to order one, but if they don't maybe I'll go for a bud or blue moon. I'm certainly not going to stop drinking
tried unsuccessfully for 10 minutes to do bong hits while wearing glow in the dark vampire fangs before realizing air was getting out of the sides of my mouth
I was puzzled last night that there were shots waiting for us when we got there. Just read my messages and saw you were ordering from the bar via texts.
I hope I take a shit on your face in your dreams tonight.
You told me to remind you that the bruise on your ass is from when you danced on the table at Ziggy's, saw a cop and tried to 'fly away'.
Yo, I can't just ask my mom where she relocated my vibrator to, can I?
There's a guy masturbating in front of Sephora right now
You just kinda wondered into the street and started screaming at dogs and small children...
I must be really high or they really did just bring me a banana split instead of a burger
He pulled out the guitar, sat in tub, and took requests while she puked her brains out in the toilet. I think he loves her.
My cat is sitting in the window watching the neighbor's dogs doing it. I think she's lonely too.
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