it hurts more in the daytime
Just rolled over and realized my vodka goggles are not as functional as my beer goggles
While I was dancing with him in my foil dress he said, "You're like a Chipotle burrito. Don't worry, that's the best complement you could get from me."
dude, showing up drunk to physics was the best idea ever. I just tripled my participation for the semester. I love st pattys day
So you actually don't remember giving head to the Neil Armstrong statue last night?
Girls night always turns into let's seperate and get laid night.
The straight man in me wants to hit on her. But the gay man in me wants to compliment her on her awesome outfit.
i just kept saying he was red & i was blue and we couldnt become purple. I started crying at one point
THE MIME IS MIMING TO BUST A MOVE KARAOKE. ALL MIME-RELATED EVENTS DESERVE CAPS LOCK
This place smells like bottom shelf liquor and broken dreams
Also I'm very proud of th fact that I walked my dog before bed. Drunk dog walking should be an Olympic sport; it takes SKILLS.
well, I was going to forgive her anyway but not because shes my best friend and moreso because shes my drug dealer
I'm sorry for biting your husband's ass last night.
Just so u know, "come here buckey" has no effect on ur cat, but "hey fucker you wanna get high or what?" will cause him to run from the other room knocking shit over. We smoked outta the gravity bong, then he went and ate.
it's 1043 pm. still havent changed out of the shirt i wore last night so at this point i figure i'll go for twosies.
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