Drunk x Brooklyn = problems getting home. If I don't make it you can have my computer and my bitches. You're welcome.
Di me a solid and hit me with your car.
My biology professor just used the phrase "dick fairy" in a sentence. No, it didn't make more sense in context.
this girl is like a spa retreat for my dick
Somebody left a mini pitcher in the bathroom. Think its safe?
She just threw the soap bottle at me from the ladie's room and keeps asking me when we left the bar and got on the boat.
In less than 24 hrs I went from conversing with Nobel Laureate, to hangover vomiting in front of a drive thru cashier
She has either a C-Section scar or a bullet wound, I can't quite tell
I found a phone book at the party and started calling everyone with my last name asking if they wanted to form a club. I'm meeting one for brunch tomorrow...
Welcome to the south, dude. Gives the phrase "I wish you a dry ass" a new perspective.
I awoke this morning alone and naked in my bed I forecast my date later not going so well because I have three giant hickies on my neck there is a note next to my bed that looks a 3rd grader wrote it on my college acceptance letter
How do you explain to a guy that he's like a little puppy dog that you play with, but then leave at the shelter to go home to your German Shepard?
Dave called me blind fucking drunk thinking he was going to die from drinking with drake bell(wtf?) saying "it's all that drake motherfucker's fault" and later proceeded to tell me "you are my twitter"
she definitely didn't appreciate it when you justified bringing her home by yelling to me "fat bitches need love too"
the fact you finally accept your bi don't shock me but as your fuck buddy I expect you girls to go family style on me
Randomize
