the next time i see a chick with leggings under her jean skirt...i'm gona beat her ass with a fashion magazine...
I cant remeber how long i've been laying here...it could be 10 minutes to a fucking day
my mom just emptied my water bottle filled with vodka into the turtle tank.
i'm sure the inside of her vag looks like Normandy circa 1944
and yes i had to double check that date for that joke to be accurate
Next time I see you, remind me to tell you how I fell through my attic door and landed on my feet in the garage on the first floor.
I'm one ex away from doing an entire victory lap of all of the guys I've hooked up with since second semester of freshman year. Single me is scary.
I slept with an Israeli and a Palestinian in the same day. It feels wrong.
Ps I just used the "If you give a mouse a cookie" defense in a real life situation. Suck it
You have to sext the same way you right a resume, you can only use active verbs
I just delete my bank app from my phone to have enough storage to download tindr. Is this my life now?
All she said to me before going to get another shot was "Damn, I'd eat her out."
Woke up next to a half eaten Philly Cheesesteak. Honestly probably one of the top 3 things I've ever woken up next to.
fucked him on the porch to avoid the chanting that always happens when we leave the bedroom. backfired when a group of freshman walked by and started screaming like fucking babies.
You bet your firm but soft ass I miss you
there's still a lot i don't remember, like why my iphone's nailed to your wall
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