oh and i feel obligated to inform you that there will be no sexin' because it's 'lady time' for me. so this ain't a booty call.
god, you should never be in the FBI. you'd give away america's secrets to any boy who asked.
I just made my bed perfectly before realizing that I'll be too drunk to appreciate it tonight
Need help. Super baked. Stuck on couch. Dying of thirst. Bring paint thinner or something to pry me off. Only thumbs and neck work.
So I love how we keep introducing our friends to sex toys. It's like pay it forward vibrator edition.
Between my vibrator and my iPhone carpal tunnel is inevitable.
doing shots of $6 a bottle whiskey and chasing it with milk. my own personal way of saying fuck life.
Whos eating a bunch of acid and watching fireworks tomorrow? This guy. Thats who.
Hey. I can't work your space dryer so I'm wearing your blanket home. I'll get my clothes later. Fun party!
Neil John just started open mouth kissing everyone to make sure they are safe.
Some poor guy found you passed out in a bathroom stall. Again with your dick out. Looks like you got to rage after all.
We were so hungover we fell asleep in Goodyear waiting for them to fix her car. At 4 in the afternoon on a Sunday. The workers apparently didnt want to vacuum because they didn't want to wake us.
He just ranted to some customer about fourth of July being ruined and I just shouted USA the whole time in the background. It was kinda epic
Named all the presidents in order between puke sessions while semi conscious so that's a thing I can do now
I just remembered that I totally burped into someones mouth when we were making out. I was really smooth about it so he didn't notice.
Randomize
