$35 all you can drink last night. Friend 1 woke up in a hotel lounge, friend 2 pissed himself and woke up wearing friend 1's spare pants, and my toilet indicates I threw up extensively.
He’s a liberal pot smoker and perfect for me. He invented a game where we have to smoke a joint every time you hear a Middle Eastern accent on NPR.
'fingered' and 'feelings' NEVER belong in the same sentence.
I hate how you keep a running list of people who have seen me naked.
I couldn't walk, so he carried me all the way home; and then I told him that I wasn't drunk enough to fuck him. Poor kid.
You told me I was special while we were having sex and I asked why.
What did I say?
Don't ask me questions while I have an erection,
he just looked at me and whispered "these are my sea lions. my sea lions." and then went back to licking the mirror
Was I wearing clothes when I handed you your keys. Please tell me I was wearing clothes.
trying to line up a DD for St Pats Day. i guarantee i will put out. or puke and pass out. really its 50/50 at this point.
I'm going to do lines of vitamin c I cannot be sick for halloween
I rode a bull tonight, There is absolutely no reason my dick is not in some chicks mouth
I hope you enjoy this collage I made of you and me getting fucked up together
So I was putting on a condom and looked to my right to not make eye contact, she said did you just look at the American flag while putting that on. I said this one's for Team USA.
i woke up with a shamrock tattoo on my wrist and a fat bruise on my hipbone. please tell me its not real.
I have to start drinking water I have a drug test to fail at 1:40
Randomize
