Note to self: never go down on a girl first thing in the morning…its like opening a grilled cheese sandwich
You totally narrated your dogs thoughts for 2 and a half hours last night, and I was enthralled. I didn't say one word, I just listened.
you were making out, puked over his shoulder and insisted everything was okay
I think the guy in front of me just puked in a styrofoam cup.
He whinnies like a horse when he's cumming. I wish I would have known this before we got into a relationship.
Im in the bathtub drunk. Less than an hour before the interview. This will be the best or worst career move ever., support?
The least you could do before I go into your room is throw away the condom wrapper from the other girl I know you're banging.
That's exactly how my pussy feels when I shave it. Like a cross between a naked mole rat and a newborn child. Embrace it.
In the world of sexual, erotic texting, you rank somewhere between "how much teeth do you want" and "how dry do you want it"
In two unrelated events today I have had frostbite on my toe and cum up my nose. Who says life stops when you get married?
His gf just liked my changed relationship status. She's gonna shit bricks when she finds out he left her for me. Bless her little heart.
I made the last cup in beer pong off the dude's hat. I also faintly remember rapping Forever by Drake during said game.
No he can't come. I swear to gods he's "Why We Can't Have Nice Things" given physical form.
i don't know how to react to you in a diaper crying and calling a football 'sadie'.
Swear on my life the dude next to us just ordered a pizza and I will fight to the death for a slice
Randomize
