It was an igloo shaped doghouse, I was obligated to hotbox it
You couldn't find any paper towel to clean up the wine you spilled, so you tried to use her cat.
ooh i remember now. Not very absorbent.
I just remember making out with this kid's friend, washing blood off my hands and hearing the RA's were looking for me.
sticking your hands in the toilet to wash your face is not acceptable. ever. i don't care how drunk you are.
We need to get her a baby shower present. And no, a blow up sex doll with her dead boyfriends picture stuck to it, is not appropriate.
Like do you realize his dealer came out with a gun and we laughed like it was all just fun and games...
Speaking of fellatio on fictional characters, the Stay Puft Marshmallow Man would be a delicious blowjob.
I just asked her to come in through the window, this pretty much solidifies the whole fuck-buddy thing...
Are you still free tonight?
Oh shit I kinda forgot and took acid
Apparently "Do you want me to ruin your day now or later?" is not a good way to tell someone you're pregnant and it's theirs.
Figured out how to triple bathroom speed at #lollapalooza.. Girl squats, guy 1 goes between her, guy 2 uses urinal. Your welcome.
So my booty call knows your bf. Apparently they were in jail together
Why would you get kicked out?
Well, an overweight man is currently not wearing a shirt. Or pants. And is getting in touch with his inner Chippendale. You can probably fill in the blanks.
Can u pick me up? Lost my keys.
Sure. FYI- you "lost" them on the roof, trying to throw them over the house.
I just found out through a drunken phone call that my parents thought I'd grow up to be a porn star. It's kind of scary how accurate they were at how skilled I'd be at sex.
Randomize
