His vagina is bleeding blood all over the court
gettin drunk isnt as much fun when i can use my own id for it
Your either lost or getting food, if your lost find me a girl on your way back, if your getting food grab me a double cheese
Brown or brunette? Ketchup or mustard?
I love you bro
She ran over a curb, took out a yard-sale sign and hit a fence before admitting to me that she may be losing her vision "a bit". Never letting grandma drive again.
I'm happy in my shell. My shell which consists of keeping guys in the friend zone and me masturbating...
Trying to put a fitted sheet on drunk is one of the boss levels of slutty adulthood.
Just go read my twitter... There's a play by play. It starts with a penis pump
He said we were over, wrote my name on the condom he left in my car last night and said he'd always keep it in case I came back. It was kind of romantic
He said it wasn't ladylike of me to drink more whiskey than him. I told him to stop being a little bitch.
I've decided that buying my first unused mattress has been my first major step into real adulthood.
Glass of stolen champagne in a to go cup = tastiest hangover cure ever
It was terrible. I am sore from head to toe, neither of us got off, and we were at it for an hour and a half, I faked having a heart episode so we could stop. It worked.
I want you inside me. Finish your papers.
that may or may not have been my penis.
I I was gonna wake him up with a blow job but I don't know how he would feel about it.
Randomize
