I regularly think about how cool your nickname is
I'm not conventionally pretty...I'm just crazy
do you have any idea why i woke up naked spooning my toaster?
I just saw a Kleenex commercial and thought about last night. I'm sorry about your hair.
Needing to keep one leg on the floor during sex so you dont spin should qualify for some kind of drunk award.
I'm fucked up. I can't drink anymore. We stole a cat.
We had car sex in the parking lot of the dispensery while he blasted Tony Bennett. It was so fucking romantic.
Someone broke into my car and stole it then left me $300 to pay for the damages with a lovely note that said "we just couldn't pass up the boxed wine... Sorry about the window."
I was thinking more like a "sorry you can hear us, but I'm having the best sex of my life" cake
Is re-gifting a Valentine's Day present worse than re-gifting a Xmas one?
You're unbelievable, unbelievably awesome.
Lol I screamed "GOT AN ORDER OF VERSACE TACOS UP" and the whole kitchen was just like who the fuck is this kid
Should I be concerned that the new guy I'm seeing just referred to my stealing a sailboat in college while drunk as "wholesome"?
There's a kid in the back of the class drinking out of a flask. Like what is going on?
NOW HE'S DRINKING OUT OF A HANDLE. WHO IS THIS KID?
FML I accidentally sent the text about his bruised balls as a group text that included his brother and my boss.
I thought I was really making her scream. Turns out she had a Lego jammed in her lower back.
Randomize
