he walked in on you at the party drunkenly dancing alone on the bed wearing mardi gras beads, sunglasses, and using one ski pole as a microphone.... and you STILL got laid. i dont get your life.
why is there a handicap sign in the bathtub and an exit sign in the kitchen?
lets deal with that after we figure out where i am
I wonder if she thought to herself "I'm gonna sleep with that guy tonight" when she watched me puke on the bar at 3 in the afternoon?
its not like she's the last girl on the planet with symmetrical breasts and great skin
There is blood on the door to my room, I have to go to sleep
He's basically me if I was an 8-yr-old boy. It's like looking into a pudgy terrifying mirror
that man is just a bundle of powerful magic and poor judgment
Someone came in the potted fern
Got a minor my first day of college from the bike police. I'm gonna like it here
And I just want you to know I got myself into this mess. I gotta get myself out. Plus, don't you only need one kidney?
I told him he was like my favorite pair of jeans; I may not wear them every day, but I'll never get rid of them and they make my ass look fantastic. Needless to say he was not thrilled.
Because it's not worth it. And there is no nice way of saying "sorry, you're not good enough at sex for me to drive 45 mins"
A guy from tinder a while ago who sent me dick pics straight out the gate is a tech on my dad's hospital floor. I was wondering why he looked familiar and why he never took my dads vitals when I was in the room
Do you ever get so high you're like vibrating
He woke me with blue berry pancakes and a blow job. He's a keeper.
Randomize
