i'm listening to "transmissions" by The Tea Party from like '97 and waxing my legs. fuck i'm awesome in my alone time
My Mom bought me a vibrating toothbrush. Maybe this is her way of apologizing for throwing away my other thing that vibrated.
Dude, I just went to take a piss and looked at my ballsack... Underneath was labled "L" and "R"
The guy that just projectile vomited over the balcony is now going down to find the pill he just puked up. He said he wasn't about to waste $15.
The look I see on guys faces when they realize my nipples are pierced remind me of when my mom used to come home from the grocery store and surprise me with poptarts.
Soooo how am i supposed to explain to my mom that i was admitted to the hospital but you kidnapped me within 20 minutes?
i think I'm just gonna buy a new vibrator, body pillow, some guys cologne to spray on it, a life time supply of wine and weed and be done with all this shit
You can't text people with drinkers' regret at 8 in the morning. It's just bad form.
First of all you're supposed to say "you're not fat". And second of all never ever deprive me of nachos.
Am I a bad person for getting my ex to DD me and a random hookup home last night?
Things you Cant unsee: When your smartphone syncs to your dads laptop and downloads photos...including his porn stash.
If your night didn't end with writing a witness report for the cops at a shwarma place, your night was probably less interesting than mine.
There something liberating about walking through the dorm hallways without pants on.
It's become almost a Pavlovian response. The sound of the vacuum being run by hubby causes an instantaneous involuntary orgasm.
I think my stomach is breaking up with me. It's giving me back everything I ever gave it.
Randomize
