bar tonight had a doorbell to get in and last night i saw my neighbors fuck on the balcony, she wore a nurse outfit. Missouri isn't so bad...
ironically, his detergent was also "small and mighty"
if you're passed out when i get there i get to wear your banana costume and do awful things to you
So i just got guilted into doing a tequila shot by a group of guys chanting "USA!" at me.
I sent him pictures of just me in my thong and he replied "you're so sweet, you make me feel special <3".... Oh.
My bed is full of blood and feathers
My puffy vagina and I are on the way to the doctor to see what your mutant penis did to us THANKS A LOT
Apparently "I have the beer shits" isn't the excuse my boss wanted to hear. So sue me
Our group of friends now have more broken bones than reasonable excuses for why they're broken.
I'M MAKING HIKING PLANS WITH THE GIRL WHO IS DATING MY EX, THAT IS PERSONAL FUCKING GROWTH
I finished masturbating now I'm eating french toast crunch. What is life, and what are friends.
Hey, it's all about finding the bright side. And boobs are definitely a bright side.
You start to question your morals when you wake up at 430 and there's three people naked...that you don't no
Are you telling me right now that the weed man sexted you?
THE WEED MAN SEXTED ME!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
You were telling everyone in the bar that Jess gave you scurvy.
Randomize
