FYI..good luck when you get back from work.. mom and dad know about the boy you brought home last night
haha good one..how did you even know?
we all know. he obviously didn't leave when you might have told him to.. he came down when we were eating because he coud smell mom's cooking. the dude ate with us and offered to say grace. so yeah, good luck.
i'm so high i feel like the people i'm chatting with online can some how see that i'm naked.
the best days in LIFE are when you realize you arent pregnant
I texted her sayin "I gotta brush my teethn then Im omw" maybe hint to do the same
Is it sanitary to roast marshmallows over a cigarette lighter?
I just inadvertently flirted with my coworker's 20-year old son. I've known him since he was 14, yet suddenly he looked different.
You are nothing if not reliable.
Well, I now know how many glasses of wine it takes for me to fuck my neighbor.
To celebrate your birthday last night, I got drunk and sang drift away in buffalo wild wings. Happy birthday. The entire bar sang the chorus with me. It was magical.
You do resemble something that has been used as a chew toy.
Won't anyone wonder why I'm mute, bald, and wearing an eye patch?
He rode a broom down the stairs while we were mattress surfing. Naked. Buck ass naked. WTF
So hungover. Have a black eye from where I tried to brush my teeth and stabbed myself in the eye instead. Should make the performance review I was stress drinking about go so much better.
I woke up with a dick pic from the ex-Mormon via email. Not really what I wanted to see before my first cup of coffee this morning, but I gotta say, I'm impressed.
Don't put me in that position. I am not qualified to be the responsible adult here.
I'm definitely not mad. My best friend is dating my drug dealer, it's impossible to be mad.
Randomize
