One of my residents in my hall just found my positive pregnancy test from last year I hid behind the fridge, I'm just going to tell them it was for a science project.
I have on cowboy boots and a ten gallon hat. I'd say I'm a little past tipsy
This is one of those situations that make me think to myself "what life decision did I make to get here"
I woke up to her vacumming the grass
you know you made out with my sister while holding Ur girlfriends hand while she was puking in the toilet right
I apologize for excluding you. On a better note: the stripper that made out with my wife friend requested me on facebook
Aparently i was the only guy at her parents bbq throwing up in the pool so Im the asshole right...
I thought my dog was a polar bear. I kept asking how the north pole was this time of year.
There's s woman at the corner of the bar dancing by herself in her seat and making eye contact with me. Please hurry.
Walgreens has pop rocks. Be prepared to get your dick sucked.
Yeah but if you conceived a child on a park slide that would be pretty awesome
So you let the Viking explore your nether regions?
If I don't quit picking up guys when I'm drunk, I'm going to need a vagina transplant.
Do you remember telling the Uber driver that "his cologne makes you want to bone"?
i out mim tonsoeep
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