dude wtf did we explode in my microwave last night?
idk but i think it had a face
I gave up sex with dolphins for you.
No I'm not okay I had a crush on the singer of Tokio Hotel for four months and now you tell me he's a dude?
Medical school killed my enjoyment of porn. Hard to keep a boner when you're diagnosing all the actor's STDs and skin disorders.
Her life must suck. All she's got is "Miss Shamrock" WHICH SHE LOST!
Hey I have to teach you how to run in heels before vegas
Why the fuck did I wake up in a chair with mouth clamps?!
July fourth my place, drunken bubble slip n slide. Yes this is happening and yes I am 31
Overslept. So hungover. Apparently texting the first person in my contact list the time I would like to wake up is not how the alarm clock in my phone actually works.
Dude...are you really going to start sexting during our friend's memorial service?
Dude, you can't drink while watching Star Trek. You hardly understand it sober.
It's an alien shaped cup though. i think that'll help me absorb.
Who knew sons of strippers would be really feminist boyfriends?
I needed to pee, so I climbed out his window
DUDE!!!!! THERE IS A MIDGET HANDING OUT RICE KRISPIE TREATS!!!!!! WHERE ARE YOU WHEN THE COOL SHIT GOES DOWN???????
LISTEN TO ME! DONDE ESTA LA FUCKING VICODIN!
Randomize
