Yo, my girl thinks she's pregnant, so I've got a DD for the wedding. Sweet.
Any time you start making pro wrestling references before 10 PM I know that I'm breaking up a fight between you and some muscled up frat boy you call Hogan.
Once you realized you couldn't finish the 30 you started walking down the street and leaving a beer in everyone's mailbox
He turned down a handjob. A HANDJOB. I know I'm no Jessica Simpson, but...
Actually, she's fat now, so...
Fuck. I AM Jessica Simpson.
Theres a picture of you standing next to a John Wayne cardboard cutout that says dont drink and drive. your buddy is shirtless holding a beer and youre holding your keys up with marker on your face.
I picked up a chick last night on crutches wearing a I am boobman tshirt. I love raves.
Yeah. Got a major ego boost when she said she felt like she had just fucked King Arthur. Buying some donuts later to celebrate with, wanna join?
Then he shook the next streetlight but this one broke and fell over. He told me, "This is the part where we run."
At least I had a $10 coupon for Plan B today. Smart shopping for bad decisions
He called me 'pal' while complimenting how well I took his load on my face. I've officially been fuckbuddy-zoned.
Far be it from me to tell you where you store your dildos but from an interior decorating standpoint not fucking there
MY MOM WALKED IN WHILE I WAS EATING THEM OUT AND STARTED ASKING US ABOUT THE PROJECT RUNWAY EPISODE WE WERE WATCHING EARLIER
Well. I think my red tank top is jinxed. this is now the second time it's gotten jizz on it.
Apparently walking into a national conference and proclaiming "i'm here to fuck shit up" is frowned upon.
Who knew?
I often worry that if I get famous, people from my past will recognize me and start talking to the media
Randomize
