I have two black x marks on my hands.
Yep you got cut off last night after a stripper bent over in front of you and you screamed very loudly 'I can see your soul from here'
damnit I wish I could remember that.
apparently the 911 operator took drunk dialing waaayy too seriously
it was funny though when you first woke up you pointed at my shoe and said i need my jacket and then put my shoe on your hand
He's doing the 1:45AM lap: he goes around the bar, finds the hottest crying girl 15 minutes before close, and brings her home. I would feel bad for the girls if it wasn't such incredible genius.
i just realized that im half way to my goal of puking in every single toilet on our floor
he was like the dessert in the all you can eat man buffet that has become my life.
about 90% sure I fell off a roof. It hurts BAD. Don't suppose you're still in town?
yup haha I infact DID fall off a roof. Want some bomb ass omlettes?
If this outfit doesn't get me pregnant tonight I don't know what will...
It's a never ending cycle of men I've fucked knowing other men I've fucked. I need a new town.
This is America. Thomas Jefferson would have said I want some vagina.
For the record, it's NEVER ok to discuss my stripper-related injuries with my fiance.
It's either gonna be a cock in my mouth or a burger. You decide which.
I just dried my bra with your hair straightener because the drier is broken again.
I'm hoarding IKEA meatballs in my purse
Saw my drug dealer at Easter mass with his family so that was weird
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