need another drink. this is the easiest way
Yah man, that place is surreal
Man, I'm from Tennessee. What the fuck is surreal?
I GOT MY PERIOD!
damn. i had names picked out.
We were busted for public indecency in the back of my car in the parking lot. This time we were just reading my Cosmo magazine.
just watched paranormal activity stoned. laughed the whole time and screamed when they turned on the lights. eating doritos. I love my life
I just rolled a joint with a page from On The Road by Kerouac. I have never felt like more of a hipster.
i should not be allowed to orgasm that much in one day.
She gave him a lap dance on the glass table. You can guess how that ended
I don't know what he did to me, but he did it wrong. I think my pelvis is broken. I cant even drive without it hurting. What. The. Fuck.
I hear the sound of that stray bird you rescued from the kitchen but am too busy drunkenly masturbating to feed it
I drank half a bottle of wine while watching the Olympics opening ceremonies. I catcalled at handsome athletes. Stop me.
I would totally lead with that as a line.'So, I was on Legends of the Hidden temple as a kid.. Your place or mine?'
I saw a groundgog last night outside my back door. I now have a new wedding gift idea.
You both snapchatted me that. Like, I just got a double dose of penis pastry.
Tonights mission: get trashed, smoke a bowl on top of the silo, get some dick. Not necessarily in that order.
Randomize
