it's too hot outside to masturbate.
How many times do you have to sleep with a guy before you get him to kiss you???
A cab driver remembered me by name, address, and ex fuck buddys nick name from a year ago. I mustve been one memorable shit show.
Just had sex in the basement of the library... I knew I was paying $120,000 for something more than a law degree
There was a photo of his face glued to a lifesize Kim Kardashian cutout. By the end of the night he was doing shots out of medicine cups and making everybody hug it goodbye.
Have you asked your drug dealer if he wants to see harry potter with you?
Just woke up in his bed wearing only his shoes. I don't know how to gently say hey dude get the fuck up and take me home....regardless these are some nice shoes.
As sure as my left ball is bigger then my right. We will have our moment.
We call her skankles because she's a skank and she has cankles, I thought that was obvious
I know you're aving fun across the room but I can clearly see you getting a handy. It's not as "low key" as she promised. Also, why are you texting while she's doing it?!
I successfully navigated a full, lengthy interaction with my dad in which he never asked me if I was freshly baked. 10 points.
I AM NOT LOSING TO SOME FICTIONAL CROSSDRESSER
I feel like I could have been bitchier and missed an opportunity.
I'm too pretty to go to jail. Especially in Louisiana.
It's been a week I should not still be finding glitter in my pants.
Randomize
