i'm saving my butt for my wedding night
I'm at the house listening to vengaboys alone. Please come home.
This girl brought half a watermelon to class. I want to be on her level.
As payment for all the times you have babysat me while im drunk, im giving you the shorts i stole from the guy i stayed with on friday night. They're clean. Come get em.
I gave an inspirational speech to a bum and called a bride ugly at her wedding reception.
Haha jealous. If I could remember my dreams I'm pretty sure they would constantly be about being drunk in foreign countries
With the drought our water bill is skyrocketing. No more shower sex, masturbating, or pretending to be under a water fall after smoking a blunt.
The penis is a tricky weapon to use. When using it as leverage you have to make it seem emotional. I'd rather use it as a club sometimes.
Yep I can make a seagull sound. It's identical. I tried it. They thought I was talking to them. It's pretty cool.
did you see me getting spanked by that lady cop who was a guy?
He told me he loved me. I didn't know what to say so i just squirted the baby oil at him
I was puking in the bathroom when my fake tooth fell off of my retainer so I just walked out of the bar and didn't say goodbye to my date
hes that one kid that offered to spoon after staring at me for 5 minutes
I am googling "notable people who had syphilis"
I woke up with what has to be a whole pack of smarties loose in my bra. Was that your fault?
Randomize
