Dude! wtf happend last nite? I woke up with 2 black eyes and a head ache
You stepped off the curb and face planted the road...twice
Why didnt you hold me up....and why a second time?
I helped you up but figured it was wayy funnier to watch you fall again then lose my buzz....
well i did feel guilty about it. until i saw how hot the guy was the next day. now, nothing but pride.
Why do guys in porn never have boxers on?
better question: why do you always text me when you're watching porn
I just saw a girl licking a cheeseburger wrapper. dont ever let me get that fat
I swiped a lunchable and a gatorade from my one night stand's fridge, does it count as a date now since a meal was included?
this is a mass text to all the people i smoke weed with. I have Mono, so if we've shared a bong/pipe. sorry man.
Well i tried snorting sugar. so either that made me puke or the fact that i drank water from a fish tank
He used his one phone call to tell me not to let anyone drink all his vodka until he could bail himself out.
I called you daddy and let you stick things in my butt, I am a damn 11.
I know I'm not a hook-up kind of chick but he is a firefighter & an EMS worker. I felt like maybe I'd be a good person if I let a good person inside of me
I almost got decked by a guy who looked like Mr. Clean. How was your night?
Is it something I'm going to want to hug you for or slap you for?
Dude you were so wasted you thought a fake electric candle was real and tried to light your cig with it. Multiple times.
A girl showed up in my tinder and I have it set to only men... I super liked her because I need a lesbian experience
I don't wanna see it, I don't wanna touch it, I just want it in me.
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