I'm sweating while I eat mac and cheese. That fat.
I felt kinda bad after screaming 'ITS MY BIRTHDAY TOO' while he was having a seizure in the front of the party bus.
YOU BETTER NOT BE SHAVING YOUR LEGS RIGHT NOW IM TRYING TO HELP YOU
My whole house smells like Spaghetti-Os and cat litter. I think I've failed as an adult.
I've been here 11 months and i just realized i have literally never looked at my apartment/roomates sober
But if I live with you I'll help pay rent. Only if you promise no 50 shades of what the fuck internet hookups
The bottle brush for the bong worked really well to clean the brownies out of the waffle maker.
the worst part about living alone is not having other peoples snacks to mooch off of when you havent gone grocery shopping in three weeks. i'm so pms-y i'm about to eat a soy sauce packet
I don't want to be drunk any more. Can you hit the off switch?
When I came out of the bathroom you were naked dead asleep on the couch but your dick was still rock hard standing straight up. I almost took a pic. It was impressive.
When your job has killed your spirit to the point that you don't want to flirt with the cute, tall guy at Enterprise
GIRL PLEASE. GO BACK AND POP THE TITTY OUT
I AM SMARTER THAN EVERY FUCKBOY WHO HAS EVER SWIPED LEFT ON ME
Her cat was breathing in my ear all night, like that kid from Hey Arnold.
Look fucker, my sensibility and attention to detail is the ONLY REASON you're not dead now
That has got to be a joke. No human eats that much grass and lives to tell the tale.
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