Yo, my girl thinks she's pregnant, so I've got a DD for the wedding. Sweet.
i have a reoccuring irrational fear i'm going to walk in on my dad masterbating. Night.
Just ran into my ex in the WOMENS bathroom. He said I did this to him. Swore he never wore my clothes but said he liked my skirt. I need vodka.
I've had cake for breakfast the past 3 days. You tell me how bikini season is going.
i have this gut feeling friday is going to be interesting.\nAnd by interesting I mean I feel like im going to get punched in the face by his girlfriend.
it was either a cry for help or you were gargling vodka. we didnt care either way.
I feel like someone kicked me repeatedly in the ribs. I don't think sex is supposed to do that.
Just out of curiosity. Did you wait until my fb picture was well liked by others before liking it so people won't know we're fucking?
At what point did you realize I was getting blown under the table during our dominos game?
Went to work in the same clothes from last night, completely covered in glitter...I didn't choose the hag life, the hag life chose me
Running my fingers through my hair was like that scene in Patch Adams where the old lady got to swim in a pool of pasta. I love Molly.
At least I know that however bad my life gets and how low I can feel I'll never feel shitting in a red robin parking lot low
The CEO is puking on the sidewalk and the HR director just offered me coke. Engineers have the best parties
How did I end up with the cock ring?!
The problem with adderall is that no matter what I'm doing, I feel like it was the most productive thing I've EVER done.
Did you alphabetize our spice cupboard again?
...You'll thank me later.
Randomize
