im going to pretend im pregnant so i can eat a lot then i will accidentally fall down the stairs
I am really glad that on the inside of a card from your grandparents you have transcribed the rules for circle of death
when I woke up the last searched thing on my phone was "how to make a fireproof dress" I need to stop drinking.
9 beers later and she still looks like Gary Busey.
i convinced her that her period would come back if we did it doggy style
i knew he was a douchebag when his facebook activities were "ladeis," and "gettin crunk wit ladeis"
Her mom offered to give me a lap dance. I was a guest, I couldn't say no.
And I also succeeded in getting kicked out of a bar when I was drinking straight from the vodka bottle at our table.
Hey, what did you end up doing with those ski goggles?
Anything is possible. I didn't even know I was wearing the toilet cover as a hat
I grinded with the guy who brought the scooter, I'm leaving with success
I deflowered you on valentines day. I AM THE BEST AT ROMANCE. LOVE ME.
This morning i put band aids over my nipples bc i was too lazy to put on a bra. Think I've reached a new low.
Everyone is coupling up and I'm just excited the bartender gives me enough attention to order more shots.
He looks like an accountant with a secret kinky candy filled center.
It's gotten to the point that I'm pretty sure I'm going to need to be legally drunk before I enter the voting booth this year.
Randomize
