I feel miserable, can't drink that much when I go out
We've been saying that since '98
this homeless guy just told me to make a wish on his magic plastic spoon but said to be careful what i wish for...
Why did you video tape me drying my boxers in the microwave?
At least a dozen asian tourists will be showing their friends pictures of me peeing off of Hoover Dam with a cop pointing his gun at me when they get home. I worry about the impact on their children.
all i could think was her face looked like a farm accident
She narrowed it down to 7 guys that could have gotten her pregnant.
I puked in the urinal of a bar tonight. Not embarrassed cause I got away with it, legitimately upset you weren't there to make fun of me.
second roommate of the year to get clamydia. go life.
I'm with the hottest fuckin fire fighter right now. I'm ready to fake my own death.
And the night ended with some random dude pissing on a car in a vain attempt to find a proper bathroom. We, the drunk, salute you, sir!
When i like your selfie it means one of two things. 1. thats a nice photo, friend. OR 2. I wanna bend you over a table. But youll never know.
Would you consider masturbating to Hocus Pocus an adulthood high or low?
My apartment looks like the apocalypse of sobriety.
There's a fly in my room repeatedly throwing itself at my window, and I feel it's really symbolic of what I want to do with my future
Wait. How did I get engaged last night?
Randomize
