Cute you're picking friends over dick. I feel like this is the trailer for a lifetime movie.
birthday sex, birthday sex, birthday sex
I'm on my period, period, period
Is King's over? Or do I still have to say 'On Matt's cock' at the end of every sentence on matt's cock?
do you ever think like no deep thought could take place in the spanish language? like all they talk about is like tacos?
how high are you?
Well no need to be a stranger, even if you aren't interested in joining my bisexual polygamist marriage. New city, new friends.
Some kid just stopped wherever he was walking, turned to me, and gave me a slow clap. So I'm pretty sure my walk of shame beats yours.
He fingered me in a Waffle House bathroom and then stole a traffic cone. Is this love that I'm feeling?
I just had to go dumpster diving, at 3am, in the rain, because I realized that I somehow threw away the brand new package of birth control pills I picked up from the pharmacy this afternoon. So I'm sort of a responsible adult.
Today would have been my 8th wedding anniversary and I woke up with a hot European guy in my bed. Divorce has it's perks.
Let's drink tonight I promise I'll make it out of the house
My diet fell off the wagon when I began texting the pizza delivery guy my location on frat row.
Over Bumbled last night. I think I set my dog up on a date Sunday afternoon. I have to drive him, meet the other dog’s dad and secretly drink a bottle of champagne from a “water bottle”. This is not what I expected 30 to be like.
Depends how u look at it. Half-full, half-empty, or how should I shave my pubes
Told a guy at the bar I was hurricane evacuees with no place to stay. Just woke up at his place. God bless Florence
I am a unicorn in a field of flowers, you asshole.
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