We fucked twice, I went to the bathroom to freshen up, and came back to him playing "Your Body is A Wonderland" on his guitar naked in my bed.
She told me I reminded her of the fair. And she wanted to deep fry my dick and eat it.
I'm scared. I feel like she's my mom and she just walked in on me having sex. Like she's "disappointed"
Pretty sure I was rubbing Halloween candy all over my face and saying "these are my bitches."
Just stared at a tree for a solid 5 minutes because I thought a German Shepard was perched on a limb.
I feel my soul being ripped out of my eye sockets
And everyone was looking at me because it was cold and I was drunk and may have screamed "oh fuck" ... You know what, fuck that. What do people think they're getting at Denny's 2 in the morning
I think I just pulled an onion peel off my boob from sleeping on their kitchen floor
Strip club, what strip club did I eat a steak at? That's the appropriate question
Your final is gonna be as easy for you as getting into straight girls' pants is for me.
Goddamnit, guys. I got lube all over my kindle.
Three times. Three times I left home yesterday in search for sex, and three times I returned un-orgasmed.
I’m literally watching say yes to the dress, eating fancy cheeses with crackers, and I have orange dark chocolates. All of which is being washed down with merlot. And I’m 100% sure a porno is gonna go down next door tonight. They don’t have a car and arrived via taxi. Happy holidays from motel 6 Pendleton Oregon!
Donated a pint of blood at 6 and pub crawl started at 7. Thank your lucky stars I'm still alive today.
“On a break” is implied when it’s a Russian chick dressed as Black Widow wearing Minnie Mouse ears
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