All I want to do is go home, strip down to my pants, get in the shower and pee down my leg
Your mom can still drink beer standing on her head! Talk to you tomorrow :)
Mom wtf!?
she danced around my room naked waving around the gold trojan magnum condoms singing "i have the golden ticket."
little did she know i was taping her the whole time.
I thought I hit my peak drinking in college. Just finished first day on Wall Street. College was nothing.
you were passed out in your cheese fries by the time he brought out your second order of french toast.
Drunk in a canoe getting pulled by a lawnmower thinking of you
The girl beside me at the laundromat is bitching a guy out on the phone for jizzing on her bedspread. She had to use a triple machine to wash it.
Talking to friends parents while buying all the things needed for Jell-O shots. classic
Sorry about flashing you in front of your mom.
You're an idiot. I have LIVED as a cautionary tale of what happens when you drink too much and stick your dick in crazy, HAVE YOU LEARNED NOTHING?
I would like to formally reclaim my title of a turn up queen.
He told me that if he broke my bed my bed durring sex he would take me to ikea, but only on Monday because it's all you can eat meatballs. I think I'm in love.
I need to get all the one night tinders in my system before I move back in with my parents
I HAVE A TEST I'M SORRY YOUR UN SUCKED DICK ISN'T MY FIRST CONCERN
So someone just asked us for our kidneys?!?
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