dude, the summer is killing me. i just woke up cause my balls were stuck to HER leg!
I woke up at 2 in my clothes with a defrosted steak in my pocket, no drinky this week at all.
why the fuck does my google maps say i'm in punjab?!?!? u think it has to do with like...outsourcing?
The only problem is i have violated all potential new years resolutions at the new years party.
alright so where did all these fingerpaintings on my bedroom wall come from?
dude. you drew those with your dick
well you haven't lived until you've been 86'ed from a family restaraunt
She said I looked exactly like my dad. Then she made out with me. Should I be questionable?
What are you doing? Because if it happens to be drinking, or even any activity that rhymes with "drinking", I'll be over in 5.
No fucking judgements. You know me. Chinese food vent sessions are safe places.
He said that I looked like a "ghost had crawled up into my vagina and died"..so yeah, I'd say the hangover was noticeable.
I sent her a picture of Richard Nixon and said "these are the only dick pics I send".
Like will they card me for my own whiskey in shampoo bottles?
You know you're getting old when 19 year olds you've met on tinder advise you that you should start looking for a wife and/or the mother of your children
pray to the hookup gods
Don't send me pics of cunning dicks while I'm eating potato chips
Randomize
