is it bad that the first thing i do when i get downstairs is go on farm town?
you ran into the room and announced "I JUST FUCKED HER IN THE ASS". apparently you forgot she left the bedroom 5 minutes before you and was standing with us all.
She's 40ish and I couldn't wake her up with a stick of dynamite. My sheets are going to be covered in glitter lotion and smell like grape vodka and shattered dreams tomorrow.
Aren't divorce parties fun?
You and I have very different definitions of fun.
I don't know what's worse....that fact that my dog ate my vibrator or that he later puked it up on my bed
Seeing a catheter being inserted into a penis severely diminished my sex life
Wow. This hand sanitizer smells awesome. It's like I just gave a handjob to a fruit basket.
I wore granny panties last night to ensure I didn't sleep with him. He said they made me seem more mature. I need a new plan
we were at work and Infront of the whole bar you yelled. "JAKE I WANNA GET FUCKED TONIGHT!" Us day drinking > everyone else
After your flask fell out of your leg brace and you told your RA that it was juice, you tried to unlock your dorm room but your key was attached to your bra so he ended up seeing your boobs
It's been this way for a few days. I had chick fil a on Friday so this could be an attack from the Gay Gods as punishment.
i accidenteley seduced the christian girl's brother so i dont think we can count on free church picnic food again
I had a dream that I had to take a breathalyzer but then it turned out to be a bong....why can't that be real life?
Three Decembers later, I'm looking at this fuckin Santa lingerie I bought and just realized my stocking never got stuffed....
*goes to show prof a picture* *forgets tit pic is in camera roll*
last night you said that you wanted to hold my dick as you slept because it was like having a stuffed animal.
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