I was getting a bj with sports center on in the background
Da na na, na na naa
Sometimes when I see pregnant women, I wonder what position they were in when they got knocked up. Then I gag a little.
I just saw a Puerto Rican child between the ages of 8 and 11 with a faint mustache talking very loudly on the bluetooth in his ear about how "Skittles are played the fuck out"
Random fact of the day: cum is a really good eye makeup remover
Every perfect package comes with a warning label.
I cant tell which is worse. That its only my third time doing laundry this year or that its the first time ive done it sober.
That penis will go down in history. It's the Helen of Troy of dicks. I will conquer it and the tale will live on for future generations to learn from
I'm on a mission. But just to make out with him so his relationship collapses and he is single when I come back in April.
Yeah. You can ask him out. We're just fuck buddies. My vagina will be sad but your heart can be happy.
I have to finish a biography for history and write a review on it so naturally I was like "getting high will make this more bearable" and now I'm basically inside the book at the revolutionary war with this guy.
40s are totally the cure
Side Note: Everyone in my office is getting engaged and having baby showers. And I'm all like, fuck your joy, I just want more string cheese in my life.
Don't tell me I can do whatever makes me happy while also saying I have to put on pants.
I think it's time for tequila and I to go our separate ways
Very interesting. Let's just say I got home last night and threw up, found a joint in my bra, and woke up naked in my bed
Randomize
