why did i make a hit list last night containing only McDonalds?
you tried to order a magarita mcflurry and when they said they didnt make those you tried to call 911
first i yelled "you cant get it up?" and then in the middle of it i opened a Corona
apparently i broke a 100 dollar bill to tip the bartender on a free drink
Sacagawea was the original milf.
Legit screaming match in this bar over the differences between cupcakes and muffins.
Why hello there Olivia! How are you today on this fine and most wonderful morning full of magic and adventure and awesomeness?
Someone just got laid.
I'm gonna take off my shirt and spin it around my head like petey Pablo so u can find us
Unless you can blow me and bake me a pie at the same time, im not impressed.
you made me suck your tit in the car and kept saying "good boy. I love you so much. good boy."
I've decided to give up hard drugs for the rest of the year.
Sooooooo, maybe just fucked on a motorcycle.
Does he know you were at a strip club taking shots of tequila right before you babysat his son?
.... I'm on a random couch somewhere in Newark wrapped in a Lightning McQueen blanket
I hear jingle bells and I can't tell if it's bc I'm feeling festive or just REALLY high
Talked a police officer into driving us the 1/2 mile home from the bars because we didn't want to walk. I never knew the back of cop Cars had plastic seats.
Randomize