I keep finding coffee grounds in my vagina
We have a drunk bartender with her nips a quarter inch from bein out buying us shots. GET HERE.
You just said the magic words
Her divorce is going to cut into the amount of time we spend fucking.
I'm in awe of how selfish that is.
Its going to be drunk as shit/pirate themed. Im dressing as the former.
The bad decision stars are too close to aligning to risk this tonight.
Moral of the story: If you're gonna throw a glass of wine in a guy's face, don't do it in your own kitchen.
Last night you sang a duet with a gay man posing as a straight man posing as nicole kidman; your life lacks neither color nor texture:)
Dude, you spit in your shirt pocket saying "I'm saving it for later" then dove head first into the pyramid of beer cans we set up.
I'm just going to eat my milkshake, watch teen wolf, masturbate, and lament my inability to form meaningful relations with men who aren't gay
After I was kicked out of the last frat I blacked out, woke up in the hospital with no clothes no phone and no idea what happened last night. But i got hospital socks, thats a win in my book.
I just found a contact in my phone named "Sam 'it Won't Fit' Wilson". No clue when or where it came from....
I'm bringing my passport in case we get drunk and wind up in Mexico
don't bring your nerd jargon into this conversation about my naked body
Why do I have a separate credit card just for booze? Because I saved enough points so Saturday we are flying to Denver to smoke legal weed and fly back in the same day.
I made him watch the first 5 episodes of Game of Thrones before I decided to sleep with him.
Randomize