I was just at the bank and there was a fat lady wearing a cape. today is gonna be awesome.
this is two weekends in a row I've been the pantsless girl at the party. I love my social life.
So i banged this chick from Peru last night. Needless to say, I'm having chipotle for lunch todayas a south American reward to honor her.
So me and friend just finished Eiffel towering this girl and sounds great in theory but after the high five has commenced its just a weird threesome especially when you make eye contact with your buddy during the session
Why was I handcuffed to the roof?
It was easier then trying to explain why you couldn't fly
I don't know what's happening. Everyone is wearing beaks.
I know. I need to get a vagina tranquilizer.
Cats found the secret coke stash again
They owe us $80.
Either I spilled whiskey on my boobs last night or they are fermenting. Not concerned in the slightest
Pretty sure the nurse said at one point I was in full restraints because I tried surfing my stretcher
The last time I thought I had a UTI, I ended up having herpes. Sooo.. This time in preparing myself for cancer or death.
i think god would be more upset with me for turning down such a beautifully crafted cock than he would for me liking girls
Check snapchat. Selfie game still on point mid vomit.
Well. I had to explain to my niece that the word cunt is not an abbreviation for country. I'm the best aunt in the world.
The strippers who live across the street set up a decently professional stage on their front balcony and a banner for a go fund me... I think we're gonna get a show.
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