the best part about being a teacher is there are always 20 little kids around me to blame my farts on
I'm passing your future prison.
Staying in I think. Boyfriend has domesticated me. I'm making eggs naked right now. Also really high.
I was so proud to be driving sober that I wanted to get pulled over so I could tell the officer I hadn't been drinking.
It started out just like any other night: was watching a Zach Effron movie, drinking tequila out of a water bottle. I don't understand how this got out of hand.
I hear youre working today. To keep you entertained, ive compiled a list of condiments that my dick has NOT been slathered in since last Friday: Relish, and raspberry jam. That's right.
When I don't want to forget things I put them on my cigs.
C smoking isn't all bad
i can feel the knowledge leaking out of my brain
replace it with alcohol - nature abhors a vacuum
you started petting my head and said "there there, majestical unicorn. it won't be long before we get you back to neverland."
You can't text people with drinkers' regret at 8 in the morning. It's just bad form.
In honor of Super Tuesday, we should have the sex tonight.
On another note, I almost lost one side of my fake butt. Dancing the wobble with the fake butt isn't recommend.
I'm not saying I love you. I never said I love you. I said that if earth blew up like Krypton you'd be the only person I would like to have inside me when our bodies burn up in a fiery inferno
We fucked for 9 months, but he didn't want anything serious. So, I got rid of him and went on a date with a guy last night that looks like Kylo Ren. Who's really winning here?
You came in, yelled 'i am from the future' then puked all over the floor
Randomize
