mom just said that her bf is good in bed. fml.
i am watching a movie about a vagina with teeth and then you sent that to me while im eating sushi.
i don't know what kind of porn he watches.. but that is NOT how you do it...
dude, my face is all kinds of fucked up right now. and don't even start with i told you so...
I am NOT getting arrested in a batman mask
I really don't think you should have 'baptized' your tattoo in vodka the same night you got it.
I put an asterick after the names of people in my phone that I've fucked. Both as a form of bragging, and also so I can actually remember all their names.
It's ok that you're screwing someone else while trying to get back with me, I'm banging three girls while I ignore you.
Nothing quite says Coachella like me doing high yoga in the middle of a field by myself
Well once I told her I had a girlfriend she actually got more aggressive. Then Danielle called me and she saw the pic of the two of us on my phone and immediately said "can my caller I'd pic be me sitting on your face" wtf?
My tights ended up on the driveway folded neatly. Any ideas how that happened?
I almost wanna stick a tampon in and sneeze bent over to see if it actually shoots out
I worked all year for this tax return. I deserve to get my nipples pierced.
Let's drink tonight I promise I'll make it out of the house
Hungover on St. Patrick's Day. I did this backwards.
How is it that 364 days a year I'm the adult, but on Halloween you completely forget how to have fun and become my grandma?
Randomize
