I just did the scooter of shame. New levels of embarrassment have now opened.
I think dad's getting high again. His last google search was "awesome ping pong shit."
Its where this guy sticks a jar up his ass. Be prepared to be suspended between vomiting and cheering.
One of my students just told me turtles are lazy and need to get a job. Fuck yes, my job here is done.
Turns out vomit takes off spray tan.
I made the bartender pinky promise me there was still vodka in my drinks.
No, she passed out instead. I have the worst luck, its like Jesus is mad at me for having the same birthday as him
he's just a really huge penis that sells weed
You had your dick do your apologizing for you last night. Apology accepted.
Well the weed wore off around 10:30 and then the date dragged on until about 1 in the morning. So I've decided I really need to start smoking closer to the actual start time of a date. Then maybe they'd be more bearable.
I made everything so magnificently awkward in under 15 seconds. I am magic.
you left your anal beads in the dishwasher
I'm currently in a U-Haul truck right now. Going to a party. I hate myself.
just to let you know, that was probably the funniest text i've ever received.
I suppose that kind of helps fill the void where my self respect used to be.
Was not aware that standing loudly up off the couch and loudly, drunkenly slurring "I'M EIGHTEEN NOW BITCHES" counted as a primitive mating call.
I’m really upset they canceled the conference. Since the divorce I’ve been working out, I bought cute new outfits and even found a bikini I liked. Now it’s all online. You can’t get laid at a webinar
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