I'm drinking while my friends build sand castles, now I know how my dad used to feel
dude all my bootycalls are going to Eclipse tonight... Do I really want it that bad?
She said I wasn't helping her abandonment issues by not responding to her texts at 4 am
we tried to pick out bridesmaid dresses with pockets so we could sneak flasks in with us. what the fuck is the point of a dry wedding?
It's such a good feeling to send those "I'm not in jail" texts on Sunday morning
Throwing up so forcefully that toilet water hits you in the face is not what the Pilgrims and Indians had in mind for this holiday
He tried eating fireworks, to stop him being hungover in the morning. Where do you keep finding these people?!
The gay is strong with you! You're more concerned about my outfit than my safety.
Oh, and apparently I was butt ass naked and walked into the room where anna was skyping her dude in afghanistan and said "This is happening."
So if a girl goes for it you're gonna stop her and tell her you gave up ejaculation for lent?
I'm gonna make some noodles and go to bed. Hopefully I don't fall into the stove or something.
They are the perfect team. One always has weed, the other always has cigarettes. They're like the Batman and Robin of drugs
So we became Pizza Strippers- we stripped and asked for slices of pizza in return.
He ran into the surf holding up a cigarette yelling "let the Olympic games begin!" So no, no vodka left.
And thanks to you I'm pretty sure I'm banned from every qdoba in south carolina. And cab company
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