Great. There's a birthday party at work today. Now I can stand around and feel uncomfortable for an hour.
we went back to her place to bone only to find her boyfriend having sex.. with MY girlfriend
I'm not ok right now. I just walked in on a 600lb woman passed out on the toilet and she walked out and tried to eat her cell phone. I'm on acid I think.
Would we rather be in rehab with the drug addicts or the girls with low self esteem?
You basically tried to anal probe my passed out friend with a lamp
explaining to a nurse how i all most cut my finger off playing beer pong, she def just hand me a AA booklet.
CORAL IS FAR MORE RED THAN HER LIPS RED
Oh god you're Sonnet 130 drunk, aren't you.
Just got that "I know what's going on with your vagina" look from that CVS cashier.
You bought MORE?!
Get here, there are important joints to be smoked and pies to be eaten
So yeah, don't be alarmed when you come home after work to find me eating cookie dough out of a margarita glass with a knife and watching The Little Mermaid. It's been one of those days.
He is what would appear if the douche troop all had rings and we summoned someone like the Captain Planet kids.
I just dropped a paperclip into my cleavage while talking to the company president... That's an awkward moment.
Did you at least offer to let him get it out??
The police report said "I asked the suspect if he had any identification. He replied yes and gave me a Pizza Hut gift card"
He said he discovered the mysteries of the universe inside an orange... I want whatever he was on.
So this is how i'm celebrating Easter? By eating chicken nuggets and masturbating all day. What a life.
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