Slept on the counter again. Mom covered me in an apron.
She got stuck in the front door. She never told me how or why.
just to let you know its hard to talk to your father while being fingered up against a car..
This american gymnastics guy.... He just messed up. I feel so bad. I just wanna hug him until he stops crying. Not even in a sexual way. I just wanna hug him.
You know I think I am ok with him not moving in yet. He came over, fixed my closet, ate me out, and left. I'm now in sweats drinking coke and rum and watching new girl. This works for me.
I just watched two grown men tickle-fight. Just glorious. No words.
Got a minor my first day of college from the bike police. I'm gonna like it here
You're wearing a hospital gown and pearls. Let's reevaluate your life.
I told the bartender that his red, white and blue shots were terrible and tasted like Thomas Jefferson's balls.
It's ok, I did squats with my bottle of wine before I opened it. That counts as the gym since I won't be getting there haha
you don't understand it took me an hour and a half to escape that bed, I had to memorize his sleeping patterns.
"You can have sex in my class, just stay quiet. I don't like noise." My professor... Shall make for an interesting semester.
mid-sex she goes "oh my god. you aren't even going to remember my name in the morning, are you?". And i was so wasted that i straight up told her "honestly, I don't even remember your name right now"
I woke up to him watching me sleep and after I told him it was over he asked if we were still on for Vegas next weekend
I mean...if Marco gets pregnant, it is either the spawn of Satan or the second coming of Christ (neither of which I want in my life). So let's just hope that he doesn't grow a womb and that we don't have to consider either option.
Randomize
